RIP OFFICER MALONEY 1982-2014
Officer Maloney is dead.
He died on Thanksgiving Day, 2014, preventing the collision of our dimension and the 13th dimension.
His sacrifice shall not be forgotten.
He gave his life in the hope that others may live. In death, as in life, he protected and served.
(Although he was probably better at it when he died.)
The funeral was a sombre affair. Literally everybody came. His wife and child, his half-brother, the entire police force, The PIE Team, the Acachalla family, Phoenix Wright, Chuck Norris…
A bunch of velociraptors!?
And what the heck are all these birds doing here!?!
* * * * *
And so, the time at last had come. Maloney closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It would all be over soon.
He had to do this. For the human race, for the universe.
For his family.
It would all be over soon.
Then sweet, sweet tranquillity, the peaceful embrace of oblivion beckoning.
What goes through a dying man’s mind? Images flashed past of places and people long forgotten; his home, times long past. His youth in Malaysia! His parents! His brothers! Cousin Gregory! Ah, birthdays! Baloney and Ketchup Cake, his mother would bring out as the other children played in the back. Then his school days rushed by him. How had he come so far? Some bullies over there beating up that British rich kid. I’ll soon sort them out! On; to his academy days; his partner, back from the dead. Then that terrible, terrible day. His demotion; the death of his partner; his suspension from the force; he wasn’t allowed to drive or shoot guns anymore. “And just think,” he had said to Hershey, “the next time I shoot someone I could be arrested.”
Then came Jurassic Park, with those Acachalla kids.
His enlistment into the FBI.
That incident with Brian.
Then he got his car back, then the Bubble Gun.
Then the Squirt Gun.
And then… her.
It’d just been another day patrolling when he saw her. Originally the only charges were speeding and dangerous driving, but as the day went on, she’d managed to rack up enough charges for several consecutive life sentences.
The whole chase was, of course, just her flirting with him.
Then it happened.
He didn’t know how she did it, but somehow she showed him something he’d never expected to see.
She showed him who he really was.
He knew then, from that moment as they waddled into the sunset together, she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Obviously, the discovery that he was a member of an interstellar avian race didn’t come without some major adjustments. He could shapeshift into a blackbird at will. He started eating more seeds and fruit. And he has an aviary at his home. Don’t ask.
Ah, that night we danced. That wonderful night. “Up Where We Belong” by Joe Crocker and Jennifer Warnes was playing. And they danced. Oh, did they dance.
Some hang on what used to be; live their lives looking behind
All we have is here and now; all our lives, out there to find
The road is long; there are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day
Love lifts up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lifts us up where we belong
Far from the world below, where the clear winds blow
Did he have to go on after this part? Maloney wanted to stay there. That was his time.
GAH! SAW BLADES!
AND JIMMY CASKET!
Then the news: his father was dead.
Suzie! And that guy who looks like Richard Nixon! Oh god, how did Ghost and Toast get here?
Then he left the force for a while to raise a family. Maybe one day, he could go back to his home planet…
What’s that? Call from Batman?
I’ll be right back, he told his wife.
Just one last case.
This is Officer Maloney of the local precint, whaddya need? I'm not drunk, this is Thanksgiving, I've just out, had one too many bowls of Gravy.
"Hi, it's Gertrude!" said the voice on the other end.
Alright Gerturde, whaddya need?
"What's wrong with your voice?" Asked Gertrude.
I'm standing outside your house and there's trees everywhere.
"Why are you here?"
I just recieved a call from Batman. When Batman calls, Officer Maloney is here!
"Oh, well hi!"
Hey, how you doing sugarplums. Whaddya need?
Yeah, there was Batman and a Bildsnipe and a papier-mache Gertrude, but then again he was a bit drunk.
What is all that? Why is there blood and the hotdogs, cheezeburgers, some high-grade cereal, don't eat that before you go to work 'cause youre gonna have to poop like crazy. There's a fuselage for a space shuttle, there's a big gigantic owl... It looks like Tron peed on the door...
Little short Morgan Freeman!?
-probably won't survive-
-take visual evidence-
-not for you, you're creepy-
-Aw look, he's a little bird-
-in the microwave-
TURN IT ON! TURN IT ON!
Which brought him up to where he was now. He braced himself for the impact of the colliding dimensions.
Another deep breath.
I love you.
There was a flash.
All he could see was white.
And then a face.
Am I dead?
“Well, you’re dead in the sense that you no longer have a physical body.”
So why have you pulled me out this time?
“My- OUR- employers still have use of your skills. Though you may not be the most competent agent, you are certainly the most dedicated. You’re level-headed, hardworking, efficient, and I think we all know it was an accident.”
We agreed never to talk about that.
“Oh yeah. Well, never mind that. We’ve got work to do.”
One question- will I ever go back?
“Maybe. Only time will tell…”